Baggage

I am not writing this post to try and get sympathy or fake compliments.

That said - here we go:

I have struggled with weight all of my life. My family did not grow up eating healthy things, like most of America. I have always loved delicious fatty foods. I still do. During junior high and high school I struggled with an eating disorder. When I went to Tonga, I lost 20 pounds because I never ate any of the food. Not entirely because of my poor self-image, but because I really just don't like Tongan food. I had always been overweight before and finally I was losing weight - by NOT eating. So in my young mind that seemed the most sensible way to lose it. Needless to say that habit continued for a long time after I came home. Now, I was never stick thin, so no one really ever suspected me. So I continued to struggle with it for a long time. Even after I got out of high school.

Finally realizing what an unhealthy behavior it was, I gave it up. But - I gained it all back. I never learned how to keep things in moderation. I never learned what was healthy and what wasn't. I only knew - eat less - lose weight. I had no clue how to be healthy and fit. I hated exercise - who likes to get sweaty anyway!? While I may not have struggled with an eating disorder any longer. I still struggled with my self-esteem.

I had seen many of my high school friends get married so quickly out of high school. Being in Utah, I saw myself as falling behind. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Of course thinking that I am just completely perfect as far as personality goes (not really) it must be because of my weight. But instead of trying to change myself I thought, "someone should love me for who I am and not what I look like." I told myself that it was okay to keep my same unhealthy habits because that's not what someone would fall in love with anyway.

Well - I got married at age 23 to someone who loves me for who I am. I guess I felt that I could be myself around him and part of that self LOVES FOOD! Yummy salty fatty food! All of the sudden only a few months into our marriage. I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was devastated. I went to the gym for hours on end. Losing minimal amounts. So I was frustrated and I gave up.

Then - one day I decided to listen to my friend Trish. "Watch the Biggest Loser it is the BEST show" I'd never had any desire to watch it. I don't care much for reality TV. Well about last November, I decided to give it a shot. That show has changed my life. I know that so many other people have had the same experience. So what if this is cliche. It has changed my life!

I bought a gym membership and started going. I only lost 4 pounds in 2 months and couldn't motivate myself to keep going. Again I thought all I had to do was work my butt off in the gym and I would just lose pounds like crazy. NOT TRUE.

Finally my sister gave me the final piece of the puzzle. Jillian Michaels. She bought her books for herself and shared with me the magic formula. Burn more calories than you take in. If you want to lose two pounds a week you have to burn 7,000! Simple enough, but I never realized that's what I needed to do!

All the little details aside, I have been sticking to this "diet" or as I like to look at it as a life change - since the beginning of January. Since then I have lost 9 pounds! A total of 13! I am feeling great and keeping my temptations at bay and occasionally giving in so I don't gorge myself someday. Not only that, but I actually LOVE going to the gym. I go to the group exercise classes and it is FUN. It doesn't feel like I am working out, it just feels like I am dancing. Rather awkwardly, but dancing nonetheless.

I feel healthy. I am getting over whatever problems have driven me to find comfort in food in the first place and I feel so much better about myself. I write this introductory post so that I can express my feelings about my "journey" as time goes on.

Thank you Jillian, thank you Bob. Thank you to all of those contestants who are such an inspiration to me. You have changed my life and I am eternally grateful.

It's a Race

So I have started my one class this semester... Intro to Humanities.

Right now we are talking about race. Which, I don't often think about. Which I don't often talk about. As many of you may know, I am half Tongan and half palangi. I've been doing a lot of reading about some people feel that their race helps to define them and others feel that race shouldn't matter at all. I guess I always took the "doesn't matter at all" route because I never thought about how it made me feel to be biracial until a few days ago.

I've never encountered any prejudices against myself, probably because I am a lighter skinned person so most people can't even tell that I am anything other than white. I don't remember feeling different or weird about having a father who was Tongan and a mother who was white. Maybe it was because my father hasn't come to the Mormon church since my little sister was a baby and I was more concerned about that than his race. Maybe it was because my best friend growing up was from Guatemala, the friends in my ward were mixed races, my elementary school was full of mixed races. We were all just kids, going to school, learning things, playing with each other and concerned about being "cool".

Why is it that things have to change as we grow older? When do those prejudices start to set in? Why do they ever exist in the first place? I don't think that a lot of people are very vocal about their feelings towards other races because they don't want to be seen as racist. But I know that racism exists because I DO remember a man talking down to my father because he couldn't understand his "outrageous" accent. That happened when I was in my late teens and I remember being furious. So why did this man grow up with such a bias? Is it because he grew up in a neighborhood that was predominantly one race? Do people who stick to their own race judge what they don't know?

I do sometimes feel a little sad that I am not more involved in my Tongan culture. I feel sad that those traditions have ended with my father, at least on my end. And yet, I never really felt completely part of that culture either. When I was with my Tongan cousins, I felt more Tongan, but as soon as I came back to Utah, I fell right back into who I was before. So should we feel any ties to our race? Should we feel any ties to any specific group at all? Are we all only being who we are and acting the way we act because that's the culture we are currently in? My brother and sister and I were raised the exact same way and yet I look at them as Tongan, but I hardly ever refer to myself in that same context.

What I am trying to understand is whether or not we as Americans should embrace all sorts of cultures or if we should create a new culture as Americans. When I had a 4.0 a few years back, I remember getting an invitation from SLCC to a special dinner because I was a polynesian student who had achieved high honors. Why did they feel the need to single me out as a polynesian who got high honors. Why couldn't I just be a student who got high honors? Is it more rare to be polynesian and an academic achiever? Well, it shouldn't be! And if it is, why is it that way? What is wrong with our systems that has created this divide between races?

I have no specific point that I am trying to make. I am just having a hard time wrapping my brain around why racial stereotypes and divisions exist in the first place, where it comes from, and whether we are moving forward or whether we are perpetuating those stereotypes by having a specific type of cultural pride.

Meh. Race huh?

Massawhatsets?

You know - I feel a little sad today. I see all of these status updates on facebook about the election in Massachusets, some who are elated to have a republican steal the senate seat, some who are frustrated and upset that a democrat's seat has been lost.

Personal opinions and beliefs aside, Massachusets voted for who they thought represented their ideals and standards at this time. Which, turns out to be someone more conservative than Ted Kennedy. That's great. It's democracy in action. It is exactly what America stands for. We vote for people who represent our ideals. Unfortunately, they are not always the popular ideals. Unfortunately, we sometimes "lose".

What frustrates me most about all of this politics bull crap is that people make everything into such a big deal! We don't live in Massachusets! What does it matter how they voted?? Do we ONLY care because we want to have popular control of the House or the Senate. And who is WE anyway? One party???? Does it honestly have to be a constant battle to prove who is "best"? Shouldn't we be focused on the problems Utah is facing?

No one that is running for office is EVIL, a liar maybe... but they are running for office to hopefully do some good. Maybe some are running for power or fame. But I'd honestly like to believe that those who run for public office truly want to be held accountable and make a difference. So why make them out to be such monsters? Because they have a different opinion than you? Heaven forbid we have at least two sides to every story in order to understand the issue more completely!

Yes some of us are democrats and some of us are republicans, but all of us together are Americans. My most sincerest wish at the bottom of my very heart is that people stop being so set in their views. "I'm RIGHT and YOU are WRONG" has GOT to stop! I don't care what your beliefs are, but don't presume that anything that comes out of a conservative or liberal mouth is going to boil your insides out with the very powers of hell!

Every opinion has some value in it, so listen instead of assuming your own superiority.

Ode to Hugsby

Bryce has fallen asleep on the couch. He is so tall that his legs are dangling over the edge. :) It's pretty cute.

I don't think people understand just how awesome of a husband I have. He has been working all week to find the best deal for internet and got the installation set up for this morning. They were coming anytime between 8 and 12. So, Bryce diligently woke up at 7:30am on a Saturday morning to take a shower and be ready for them. While I... slept, until 9. Oh it was wonderful to sleep in.

I then hurriedly got ready to go to two baby showers. I left at 10 and didn't get home until 4:00pm. While other husbands might just lounge about the house while their wife is away, mine cleans, and launders clothes, and takes care of fishies. Laundry is the bane of my existence and I didn't even have to think about it today!

Bryce is always constantly putting my needs ahead of his own. I only worry that I will end up taking advantage of this and further perpetuate my laziness. He always helps me get ready in the morning, pouring my cereal in perfectly measured servings. He always takes Trax and often the bus to and from work and school because it is more convenient for him to do so. He puts shows on my iPod without being asked so when I go to the gym I have something to watch! He watches the Biggest Loser with me and supports me on my journey to a healthier lifestyle. He eats my leftover popcorn, because I can only eat 4 cups of it, and he eats it almost every night!

He went grocery shopping this evening so I could stay home and get some work done. He thought to buy me different flavored snacks because he worried that I would get sick of one specific kind. He always ALWAYS opens the door for me and always ALWAYS is a gentleman. He drops me off at the temple doors so I don't have to walk in the cold with my exposed legs! He is always there to comfort me when I am crying or stressed.

A lot of people say we are still in the honeymoon phase, but I don't agree. I think I just got pretty lucky and scored a totally rad husband. He is the sweetest guy on Earth and ever so patient with my craziness. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this kind of person in my life, but I sure am glad it worked out this way.

Hugbsy, I love you.

The Only Thing

I'm feeling like it's time to write a blogpost about what life has been like over this past year. I just read my friend Nicole's blog about what goals she has accomplished this year and thus... here I am.

It's amazing how much marriage speeds up your maturity rate. I always thought I had a pretty good grasp on life, that maybe I was smarter than your average bear. However, I have come to realize that I will never get it figured out and just when I do, something else will get thrown in and throw off my entire theory of everything... YES, everything.

Except one.

I try not to be self-righteous or preachy. I could try and be politically correct, but this is my blog dang it, and it is me, and the most important part of me is being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I always knew that, but marriage has helped me to realize just how much I need Heavenly Father every single day.

Heavenly Father loves us so much. As frustrated as I get with almost everything else in my life, my Heavenly Father never gives up on me. Life's meaning is so much more clear with that lense. I often tend to want to curl up in a ball and forget all of my problems. WHY do I have to be an adult! Why do I have to figure out how to balance life! Money! Who knew money would really ever stress me out! Callings! Family! Self-Esteem! Work! Friends! GAH! Politics! Ignorance! I tend to stress myself out all too often. How could there ever be a remedy to calmn my so easly troubled soul?!

When am I most happiest? When I am doing the things I know are right. When I have my mind fixed on what is most important and THAT is pleasing my Heavenly Father. Oh! If I pray more, I find that I have a listening ear of someone who is perfect and will send the help I need just when I need it? OH! If I read my scriptures every day I will feel the courage and strength to do everything that is required of me? OH! If I keep paying my tithing, unannounced, unexpected blessings will come when we really could use them?

When our priorities are right - our lives will be too. Does that mean they are going to be perfect? No. Even when I am doing those things, I have still spent many a night crying my eyes out.

But after all of those months, I can feel the difference in myself. I feel happier. I feel wiser. I feel confident. I feel vastly more mature. I feel peace. I know I am not the same person I was a year ago and I know that the reason I feel infinitely more optimistic about well... pretty much... everything is because my testimony has taken hold of my soul and pointed me in the right direction.

Life is awesome. THANK YOU Heavenly Father, for that gift.

My Favorite Animal is Puppies...

We found a stray dog yesterday morning. He was picking through garbage in the gutter on 54th and 27th by my parents house. We drove by and Lina pointed at him. I guess he caught us looking at him and started following us in the car. 

We picked him up so he didn't wander into the road. He didn't have any tags or anything, so we are thinking that he was abandoned. 

Doesn't he look cute?

The Deathly Hallows

So, I'm reading Harry Potter again... this is only my second time reading the 7th book. And I'm hooked, addicted, can't sleep, can't think. All I want to do is read Harry's final PUBLISHED adventure.

I remember when I first heard about the books I thought, "You've got to be kidding me. A book about a boy who learns magic at a school with his magic friends?" It sounded, undoubtedly... LAME.

However, as chance would have it, I decided to seee what the big deal was. The first chapter in The Sorcerer's Stone was titled "The Boy Who Lived", but could have also been approprately called, the boy who helped Lina cope with life. I now have a REAL boy, who does a fantastically superb job... but Harry helped me to escape to an imaginary world before Bryce came along.

All of those late nights, biting my nails, sneaking quick glances over my shoulder, believing that any second Lord Voldemort would materialize and threaten me, little Lina, to tell him Harry's whereabouts. Those nights are back, and so is my renewed love for the book series.

On Sunday, I finished up Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and I cried. I cried because of Harry's bravery. I cried because Albus Dumbledore was once again taken from my life. I cried because while eventhough the Wizarding World is so far from being realistic, it's themes are resonatinigly human.

Harry has had to deal with more than any of us have had to deal with at such a young age. His parents, murdered, by the most evil wizard of all time. He was sent to a family who did not love him, who forced him to sleep under the stairs, who for all intents and purposes wished that he did not exist. When he finally escapes this dreadful existence, he is then confronted with the ghost of his past. Lord Voldemort was not only seeking to murder his parents, but him. He faces that villian at the age of 11, and then again at the age of 12, age 13 he fights off over one hundred dementors, age 14 - Lord Voldemort returns to his full strength, age 15 he is discredited by the Ministry of Magic and the entire Wizarding World believes him to be a liar - he also finds out that it is he who must eventually track down this infamous wizard and put and end to his life. This is really just the tip of the iceberg.

And yet, with all of these challenges... all of these reasons to give up, to sulk, to give in. Harry does not do so. He remains faithful to his friends, to his family, and to Albus Dumbledore. He does not shrink, but faces his challenges head on.

"It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world. "

After all, if Harry can show courage with the entire weight of the world on his shoulders, why can't I?